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Rings To Ruins

According to recent statistics, there are more divorces now than ever before. At the rate things are going, the divorce rate may soon surpass the marriage rate. There are many reasons for such a high divorce rate, but one of the main ones is that people do not realize what they are getting themselves into when they marry. Couples do not realize that marriage is a job that must be worked at continuously in order for it to go well. Because many couples marry for the wrong reasons, a breakdown in communication results, which leads to a couple's growing apart. This process, all too often, ends in divorce.

People marry the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Of course, they seem to be the right people and the right reasons at the time the decision is made, but the trouble really begins here. For example, many couples are too young when they marry. They meet in high school or college, "fall in love," which is really just lust, and know that they have found the person they are going to marry. Further, many young girls think that they are ready to marry, but many times they simply want to get out of their parents' house. The situation may involve abuse in some form or another, or the girl simply may not be getting along with her folks and sees marriage as a way out. She believes that if she can just make a home of her own everything will be fine. She looks on the young man as her salvation, and he begins to see himself in that role. In addition, she may also be pregnant. This situation always makes things worse for the young couple. The coming baby takes many choices away from the pair and adds many responsibilities that they are just not prepared to take on. There are financial burdens to be dealt with, such as hospital and doctor bills, as well as the burdens of trying to be parents when they themselves are little more than children. The frustration and the stress of all these burdens can be devastating to everyone concerned, which makes the situation all the more tragic.

When people get married for the wrong reasons, they usually find that they have trouble talking to one another once the first bloom of passion starts to fade and they get down to the business of every day living. The problems probably are not as simple as whether or not he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle or the bottom, or if she prefers movies to basketball. Those kinds of problems can be fixed or compromised. They do not have to get in the way of the relationship unless the parties involved allow them to. The real problems are basic to any relationship. Each spouse has to know what kind of person he or she is and what he or she believes in and wants out of life. The spouse must then be able to communicate those beliefs to the other person. If this cannot be done, then everything is lost. When marriage partners stop talking and listening to one another, then arguments start. The arguments are usually over little things and stem from the frustration of not being able to communicate. The individuals then begin to feel isolated because they do not know what is expected of them or which way to turn. What they do is turn away from each other. They may not like what they are seeing in their marriage, but they don't have a clue as to how to fix it because they don't know how to talk and listen to one another. Walls have now been erected between them.

At this point the two people involved begin to look at different things and different people to try and find satisfaction and fulfillment in their lives. They take a new job, or spend longer hours at the one they already have. Staying at work is a good excuse to stay away from home and all the problems there. They may not even recognize or acknowledge this excuse to get away from their marriage. Another path that may be taken is the development of new interests or hobbies, which usually follows with the development of new friends. Most of the time the individual looks for interests and hobbies that do not include the spouse. This decision may or may not be made on a conscious level. Sometimes the futility of the situation takes over and the only thing on a person's mind is getting out and away from the spouse. This way of thinking only leads to disaster. The two people either stay together and wind up being miserable, or they separate and divorce. Either way there is unhappiness for everyone involved.

Divorce has touched us all either directly or indirectly. There are normally no winners involved; everyone loses something. Things could begin to get a little better, however, if prospective couples would take some time to get to know each other better. When couples learn to communicate with one another and work to keep those lines open, there is growth together, not apart. This process does take a lot of work, but the rewards can be life sustaining.

--Debbie Born

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